Sometimes I feel as though I don’t deserve the things that other people have, because I’m ungrateful, cruel and just undeserving of things.

I don’t deserve the friendship that I see other people have, and I don’t deserve the love others have. That makes me sad sometimes, just sometimes. I have to lie, hide and act like a criminal even when I see no wrong in my actions. I don’t know if I should live like this, sometimes I feel on the high when I’m with the people I love and want in my life but sometimes I feel down and compare.

Comparing is a dangerous thing, it makes its way into our hearts and sows its seed until it becomes a black rose and leaves thorns behind to mark its territory because even if it seems like you’ve plucked the rose and its gone, the pain is still there and it makes us cruel and dark. I sometimes feel like that, I feel sad and dull at the same time. I can’t express it in any other way, I can’t tell people because the words get stuck in my mouth and honestly, it doesn’t feel any better once I’ve told someone because it feels as though someone has tried to pull thorn out and now its bleeding endlessly. It hurts and I feel like crying a lot of the time, but I try to be happy with the people around me who love me.

I don’t deserve anything, I wonder too hard about what I’ve done wrong and how I can be better instead of loving what I have and cherishing the moments that are around me. I  get jealous and then I become the wicked girl that I dread, but I can’t do anything about it but let the wicked girl that lives inside me breathe for a while, whilst I die a little each time inside.

– H.E