Heartbreak, Anger, Loneliness. I always kept it to myself, until it got too much.
It’s getting too much.
I never had trouble interacting with people, since I was very social. However, I guess it was partially my fault by becoming attatched, because I was always left behind for someone “better”. Because of that, I never overshared my thoughts, emotions and feelings. Because what was the point if they eventually left, right?
I always imagined myself as the social little girl, who made friends with everyone but… not quite… We were always friends, but not really.
I became too invested in one person, that when it came to them leaving me, I was heartbroken. This wasn’t just with boyfriends, friends, supposedly bestfriends etc. I was too emotionally invested in them. And it was all my fault. I told myself every time I started becoming attatched, I tell myself, you know they’re going to break your heart but I still charge head first and then what would always come was I told you so.
This made me question my worth, and if there really was something I was lacking or something I should have done to make them stay. Maybe, I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe, I wasn’t clever enough. Maybe, just maybe, there may be someome out there who likes me for me. I hate questioning myself, especially I know don’t lack anything that is important. I knew but I still questioned.
But I don’t know who me is anymore, I’ve put on an act for so long that I don’t know who I am. I’ve been the quiet one, the loud one, the crazy one and countless other ones but I don’t know which is myself anymore.
I always wondered if I would ever become that girl in books, that cliche girl where she puts up a barrier because her hearts been broken too many times before by a boy but of course with my case, everyone. Part of me wishes that I would become like that, just block everyone out and just create a friendship with everyone but not really a bit like now, but be okay with them leaving me. Pfft, I wish.
It sounds so easy, so dang easy but it isn’t. It really isn’t. And I feel so broken inside, and so lonely.
Even if no one is listening, at least I have someone to tell now. Even if it is to the internet. I was able to say things that I don’t tell anyone. Thank You. You gave me my escape.