Feel

I’ve never realised how much I talked until I found someone who listened. I guess before I always listened instead of talked, and I was regarded as someone who was quiet, timid because of that. But when I talked, I talked. Non-stop. I could talk to you until your ears fell off, I could talk for hours and hours on end, with just a few sips of water in between.

I haven’t written much lately, and that’s probably because I hadn’t been feeling at all. Nothing felt right, as I put a pen to the paper. It felt forced, I felt as though I was telling myself what I was supposed to feel instead of what I was actually feeling. The feeling of nothing. You never realise you feel nothing until you feel something again.

That spark of happiness, pain, anger, ignites inside you again, and you wonder how you managed not to feel anything. And I guess the reason we hurt ourselves is because we want to be reminded of what feeling, feels like. To remember that we’re human and how we once were. Because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. Being empty and wondering what on earth was wrong. Because all you hear is that hollow thump thump in your chest instead of excited squeals or cries that your heart emits when you feel. 

And god damn does it feel good to feel again. To break a smile to thin air, to look like a psychopath whilst thinking about things that make me happy. To talk to people, and feel fulfilled after conversations with them. To actually write what I actually feel. It’s been a damn while. To have people who listen, and people who care is one of the most important things. You don’t have to posses the ability to fix problems, because not all problems have a solution, but them knowing that your presence is a choice, not an obligation is the first key step to being there for anyone. And it makes me smile, that I have people like that in my life. People who listen, people who care, and people who are always there for me.

And I promise forever and always to be there for you too.

– H.E

 

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Letting Go.

Letting go isn’t easy. It will never be. If you’ve genuinely loved someone, you’ll understand. Your life depends on it and you enter denial when you come to realise.

It’s easier said than done, but it can be done. It’s not impossible. It takes time and persistence to let go. Persistence and a constant reminder of why.

You’ll miss them, but you learn to live with it. Eventually you come to understand that you need to let it go. It’s poison to your blood. Fire to your veins.

Letting go is for the best.

– H.E

happiness

Happiness is a weird feeling. It starts in your chest then explodes in your soul. There’s just something about the feeling of happiness that is so addicting.

But happiness is short-lived, and it always will be, because in the end something will wreak-havoc and create a storm in your wake.

We do not think about happiness the way we think about love. We want to be in love, but we forget to be happy. Maybe we think that happiness comes along with love. It doesn’t. Love hurts, and so do people. 

People say that love is fragile, love isn’t fragile, happiness is. 

Happiness is like a thin string balancing your love, your hopes, your dreams and some days the string can be knotted twice over and other days the string can be just one strand, ready to break. 

It drives us insane, why we can’t find happiness in love, but we can’t find happiness in love because we’re not happy ourselves. We live for those moments where we’re happy momentarily and not happy inside because it feels good to laugh. It feels good to abandon all sadness and drown yourself in happiness. Happiness is a drug, and you are addicted.

-H.E

Ashamed.

So, when I first started writing, it was something that I was slightly ashamed of. I’m actually ashamed of admitting it now. It just wasn’t something people did, and I felt like I was the only one. It was only a few years ago that I saw a friend so open, and she was outspoken. I wasn’t.

Everything I write is very personal to me. It’s my thoughts and feelings that I feel deeply about. I was uncomfortable with others reading it. It made me vulnerable and I never did vulnerable.

I hated feeling that people could look inside me and make their judgement. I only felt that way because I was scared to be judged for who I truly was. I wasn’t looking for validation, I was looking for acceptance. 

For a very long time now, I’ve always felt like a standout. I stuck out like a sore thumb, someone once told me. So, my journey went on. I constantly found ways to be like everyone else, to fit in. To find validation. This carried on for years and I had friends, yeah, when I became like everyone else. But I didn’t know who I was anymore.

It was hard. At first. Telling myself there’s nothing wrong with me. And I found out that others people’s acceptance was incomparable to my own. My own acceptance of myself was the most important. 

So, I started writing more, reading more and I slowly became happier. I’m happy with myself now. Of course, I still have insecurities but I live for the things that make me happy. I want to be happy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve been ashamed of writing for so many years but it made me happy and helped me accept myself. Shame is not an organic feeling, it’s something that you feel because you think you’re supposed to feel it. 

I’ve been more open about my writing and what I do. With help of friends who actually care for me, I’m starting to accept myself and I’m not as confused anymore.

Writing has helped me, and I’m no longer ashamed or embarassed. I enjoy it and without a doubt, I am a lot happier.

-H.E

One Day

When heartbreak happens we’re told that one day we will be fine. One day, we will be happy again. One day, we will love again.

But what if that one day never comes?

What if that one day becomes several days, and those several days become several years, and those several years become a lifetime of waiting and longing and hoping that they will come back. When does it stop? When do we stop?

What should we do? Because the longing in your heart is tearing you from the inside, begging for attention and screaming. Or is that you? Maybe it is. You can’t tell anymore because that longing has become you and you have become it.

But remember it is just an it and you have so much more ahead of you. You have a whole life to live, look across the horizon and believe that you can get there. Because believing you can get there is what makes you carry on living. And living is what will get us to that one day we’re hoping for. That one day that will make us scream for joy and cry in happiness because it means that it is an it and you are a survivor.

– H.E

To heartbreaks, friends, and us.

Things I like: Silence vs. Sound

Silence vs. Sound. Which one do I exactly like? I like both, in different circumstances. It’s not absolute, I don’t love one of them and hate the other. I like both, I appreciate both.

Everything in life is balanced between their opposites. You must learn to like and appreciate the both. Just like silence and sound. It takes us a while to adjust, but I guess I like a bit of both. I enjoy the silence because it lets my mind breathe, and gives me myself to talk to, a bit of bonding with yourself is essential, to me at least. However, I enjoy the fun and rowdiness of noise. It makes it seem like I’m not alone, I enjoy being with my friends and the laughter it creates. If I truly have any friends.

Balancing between the both for me, is essential since too much of one is intoxicating and doesn’t really do me a favour. Sometimes I need less of one than the other, and that’s perfectly fine because that’s just what I need for that particular day. Not a 50/50 balance, maybe a 20/80 split is just enough to make me happy.

-H.E

Happy 2017! 

Happy New Year! And congratulations to everyone who made it through to 2016.

To be honest, 2016 wasn’t a bad year for me. Sure, I’m still a little lost and bad things have happened but I also met new and good people that I consider quite special to me.

2016 has been one hell of a ride, and we all can agree on that. We lost some great treasures along the way (Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Alan Rickman and Prince) and with Brexit and Trump we don’t know how to feel about the world we’re living in right now.

Through all the pain and heartbreak, there has been ups too and these are all personal to us. Personally, I started university and I love it even though the stuff we’re doing is hard it’s enjoyable. I also made great friends, and left behind some people who were toxic and I don’t know if it was the right thing to do but none the less  it happened. I’m slightly happier than before. I laugh more and smile more thanks to a few people in my life and I’m sure you’ve all had those moments where someone or something made you smile.

2016 may have been a bad year for you overall, but try to remember that one time you were happy during this year and you won’t find it all that bad. Bad always outweighs the good, but it doesn’t have to. Love yourself and carry on laughing.

Stay strong for 2017 and have fun!

– H.E