I don’t fully understand the way I am, and who I am, but I do know that I spent so long to become like this. I guess one of the reasons why I am so stubborn with letting people in, is because I’ve had to battle a lot inside me to become okay with myself. I haven’t had a hard life, but I do know that mentally, I’ve been through a lot with myself. My insecurities have dragged me to hell and back, and some people haven’t been the kindest to me, but nor have I to them. I do believe that everyone has their own problems, no matter how small or big in comparison to everyone else it’s still a problem, and what makes us all the way we are, is the way we deal with these problems. Be it we tackle them, bury them, or it completely ruins us.
I tend to bury mine, and that was my way of tackling them, but in doing so I also let it ruin me from the inside out. Sometimes I had days where I hated myself, and I just wanted to disappear, and other days I started to feel comfortable with myself. You know that saying, ‘one step forward, ten steps back’ , my problem was that the ten steps back happened way more than the one step forward. I began to lose a lot of myself to a lot of people, and a lot of negatives. But on the outside, I remained as someone I wanted to be, not entirely, because sometimes it’d bleed into one another and I would begin to show my insecurities by being negative and just cruel. And that would make me hate myself even more. You see my unbroken cycle?
Trying to break it is actually really hard, but somehow I’ve made some sort of crack in the cycle. The saying ‘one step forward, ten steps back’ will still apply, but it would be more like ‘one step forward, two steps back’. It’s really hard, and every time I gain some kind of courage to open up and talk about it, I’ll cry but I guess it’s better than burying it. I still hate myself from time to time, and question my whole existence, but somehow I feel like I’m getting somewhat better at talking about it, and when I do it makes a whole world of difference, because at least I can somehow make one person understand my worries and fears instead of being determined to seem like I’m always okay when I’m not.