one step forward

I don’t fully understand the way I am, and who I am, but I do know that I spent so long to become like this. I guess one of the reasons why I am so stubborn with letting people in, is because I’ve had to battle a lot inside me to become okay with myself. I haven’t had a hard life, but I do know that mentally, I’ve been through a lot with myself. My insecurities have dragged me to hell and back, and some people haven’t been the kindest to me, but nor have I to them. I do believe that everyone has their own problems, no matter how small or big in comparison to everyone else it’s still a problem, and what makes us all the way we are, is the way we deal with these problems. Be it we tackle them, bury them, or it completely ruins us.

I tend to bury mine, and that was my way of tackling them, but in doing so I also let it ruin me from the inside out. Sometimes I had days where I hated myself, and I just wanted to disappear, and other days I started to feel comfortable with myself. You know that saying, ‘one step forward, ten steps back’ , my problem was that the ten steps back happened way more than the one step forward. I began to lose a lot of myself to a lot of people, and a lot of negatives. But on the outside, I remained as someone I wanted to be, not entirely, because sometimes it’d bleed into one another and I would begin to show my insecurities by being negative and just cruel. And that would make me hate myself even more. You see my unbroken cycle?

Trying to break it is actually really hard, but somehow I’ve made some sort of crack in the cycle. The saying ‘one step forward, ten steps back’ will still apply, but it would be more like ‘one step forward, two steps back’. It’s really hard, and every time I gain some kind of courage to open up and talk about it, I’ll cry but I guess it’s better than burying it. I still hate myself from time to time, and question my whole existence, but somehow I feel like I’m getting somewhat better at talking about it, and when I do it makes a whole world of difference, because at least I can somehow make one person understand my worries and fears instead of being determined to seem like I’m always okay when I’m not.

– H.E

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Feel

I’ve never realised how much I talked until I found someone who listened. I guess before I always listened instead of talked, and I was regarded as someone who was quiet, timid because of that. But when I talked, I talked. Non-stop. I could talk to you until your ears fell off, I could talk for hours and hours on end, with just a few sips of water in between.

I haven’t written much lately, and that’s probably because I hadn’t been feeling at all. Nothing felt right, as I put a pen to the paper. It felt forced, I felt as though I was telling myself what I was supposed to feel instead of what I was actually feeling. The feeling of nothing. You never realise you feel nothing until you feel something again.

That spark of happiness, pain, anger, ignites inside you again, and you wonder how you managed not to feel anything. And I guess the reason we hurt ourselves is because we want to be reminded of what feeling, feels like. To remember that we’re human and how we once were. Because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. Being empty and wondering what on earth was wrong. Because all you hear is that hollow thump thump in your chest instead of excited squeals or cries that your heart emits when you feel. 

And god damn does it feel good to feel again. To break a smile to thin air, to look like a psychopath whilst thinking about things that make me happy. To talk to people, and feel fulfilled after conversations with them. To actually write what I actually feel. It’s been a damn while. To have people who listen, and people who care is one of the most important things. You don’t have to posses the ability to fix problems, because not all problems have a solution, but them knowing that your presence is a choice, not an obligation is the first key step to being there for anyone. And it makes me smile, that I have people like that in my life. People who listen, people who care, and people who are always there for me.

And I promise forever and always to be there for you too.

– H.E