We’ve had our ups and downs, and there were things I could have done better. I’ve had days where I’ve wanted to give up and my sanity was hanging on a string but I promised myself that I’d be a little happier than I was in 2016, and thanks to many people it was but I couldn’t have done it without them. The best thing that 2017 gave me were the people that became important to me.
I would like to believe that every bad thing that happens in life is balanced out by something good. I think the people that were with me this year has balanced out the bad in my life. They were the good, through the bad. They didn’t necessarily come when the bad was there, but the fact that they’re present in my life now is everything that matters.
I want to take this time to thank these people, especially those who took the time to know me in whatever way. You don’t have to know who you all are and how you helped, but just know that your presence is more than enough and it’s helped me through a lot. It makes me smile, and smiling is important because it makes me happy. I nearly gave up on the idea that maybe one day I’ll be happy, and people brought it back this year.
I’ve never realised how much I talked until I found someone who listened. I guess before I always listened instead of talked, and I was regarded as someone who was quiet, timid because of that. But when I talked, I talked. Non-stop. I could talk to you until your ears fell off, I could talk for hours and hours on end, with just a few sips of water in between.
I haven’t written much lately, and that’s probably because I hadn’t been feeling at all. Nothing felt right, as I put a pen to the paper. It felt forced, I felt as though I was telling myself what I was supposed to feel instead of what I was actually feeling. The feeling of nothing. You never realise you feel nothing until you feel something again.
That spark of happiness, pain, anger, ignites inside you again, and you wonder how you managed not to feel anything. And I guess the reason we hurt ourselves is because we want to be reminded of what feeling, feels like. To remember that we’re human and how we once were. Because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. Being empty and wondering what on earth was wrong. Because all you hear is that hollow thump thump in your chest instead of excited squeals or cries that your heart emits when you feel.
And god damn does it feel good to feel again. To break a smile to thin air, to look like a psychopath whilst thinking about things that make me happy. To talk to people, and feel fulfilled after conversations with them. To actually write what I actually feel. It’s been a damn while. To have people who listen, and people who care is one of the most important things. You don’t have to posses the ability to fix problems, because not all problems have a solution, but them knowing that your presence is a choice, not an obligation is the first key step to being there for anyone. And it makes me smile, that I have people like that in my life. People who listen, people who care, and people who are always there for me.
And I promise forever and always to be there for you too.
When heartbreak happens we’re told that one day we will be fine. One day, we will be happy again. One day, we will love again.
But what if that one day never comes?
What if that one day becomes several days, and those several days become several years, and those several years become a lifetime of waiting and longing and hoping that they will come back. When does it stop? When do we stop?
What should we do? Because the longing in your heart is tearing you from the inside, begging for attention and screaming. Or is that you? Maybe it is. You can’t tell anymore because that longing has become you and you have become it.
But remember it is just an it and you have so much more ahead of you. You have a whole life to live, look across the horizon and believe that you can get there. Because believing you can get there is what makes you carry on living. And living is what will get us to that one day we’re hoping for. That one day that will make us scream for joy and cry in happiness because it means that it is an it and you are a survivor.
To heartbreaks, friends, and us.