Letting Go.

Letting go isn’t easy. It will never be. If you’ve genuinely loved someone, you’ll understand. Your life depends on it and you enter denial when you come to realise.

It’s easier said than done, but it can be done. It’s not impossible. It takes time and persistence to let go. Persistence and a constant reminder of why.

You’ll miss them, but you learn to live with it. Eventually you come to understand that you need to let it go. It’s poison to your blood. Fire to your veins.

Letting go is for the best.

– H.E

Beastly

The beast inside feeds off anger, insecurities and pain. When I feed it, it feels heavy, like it’s about to rip my chest and pounce out. When I starve it, it cowers away and stays silent until the next time because it knows. It knows that it will get fed one day, whether it be in two hours, a week or a month. It slowly waits inside, knowing. Smirking.

That’s why I write, I write because the screaming in my chest quietens down after I pour it onto a page. Instead of letting my heart bleed, I bleed ink onto a page. Little by little, I let out what is supposed to be kept inside to calm the beast inside. To tame it. Because if it gets too much to handle, it means the beast has won, I’m left in pieces and I have to slowly piece myself together again. Alone.

Because it is my battle, and mine alone.

-H.E

Ashamed.

So, when I first started writing, it was something that I was slightly ashamed of. I’m actually ashamed of admitting it now. It just wasn’t something people did, and I felt like I was the only one. It was only a few years ago that I saw a friend so open, and she was outspoken. I wasn’t.

Everything I write is very personal to me. It’s my thoughts and feelings that I feel deeply about. I was uncomfortable with others reading it. It made me vulnerable and I never did vulnerable.

I hated feeling that people could look inside me and make their judgement. I only felt that way because I was scared to be judged for who I truly was. I wasn’t looking for validation, I was looking for acceptance. 

For a very long time now, I’ve always felt like a standout. I stuck out like a sore thumb, someone once told me. So, my journey went on. I constantly found ways to be like everyone else, to fit in. To find validation. This carried on for years and I had friends, yeah, when I became like everyone else. But I didn’t know who I was anymore.

It was hard. At first. Telling myself there’s nothing wrong with me. And I found out that others people’s acceptance was incomparable to my own. My own acceptance of myself was the most important. 

So, I started writing more, reading more and I slowly became happier. I’m happy with myself now. Of course, I still have insecurities but I live for the things that make me happy. I want to be happy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve been ashamed of writing for so many years but it made me happy and helped me accept myself. Shame is not an organic feeling, it’s something that you feel because you think you’re supposed to feel it. 

I’ve been more open about my writing and what I do. With help of friends who actually care for me, I’m starting to accept myself and I’m not as confused anymore.

Writing has helped me, and I’m no longer ashamed or embarassed. I enjoy it and without a doubt, I am a lot happier.

-H.E

One Day

When heartbreak happens we’re told that one day we will be fine. One day, we will be happy again. One day, we will love again.

But what if that one day never comes?

What if that one day becomes several days, and those several days become several years, and those several years become a lifetime of waiting and longing and hoping that they will come back. When does it stop? When do we stop?

What should we do? Because the longing in your heart is tearing you from the inside, begging for attention and screaming. Or is that you? Maybe it is. You can’t tell anymore because that longing has become you and you have become it.

But remember it is just an it and you have so much more ahead of you. You have a whole life to live, look across the horizon and believe that you can get there. Because believing you can get there is what makes you carry on living. And living is what will get us to that one day we’re hoping for. That one day that will make us scream for joy and cry in happiness because it means that it is an it and you are a survivor.

– H.E

To heartbreaks, friends, and us.

she fell in love…

She fell in love,

not because you bought her flowers on valentines.

She fell in love,

not because you told her that you’d marry her some day.

She fell in love,

not because of your ring she wears on her finger.

She fell in love,

because you showed her the sky and beyond. You showed her the meaning of love, and within that meaning she found you. You were the salvation to her dying soul, you showed her how bright someones eyes could shine when they looked at her. The excitement that built up in her stomach and blew up in her soul when she saw you.

She fell in love…

with you, and only you, because you chose to love her even when she failed to love herself.

She fell in love,

and you will forever hold the key to her heart.

She fell in love.

– H.E

 

euphoria

You saw the word euphoria, and you didn’t know what it meant. I’ll tell you what it means, and I’ll also tell you something you didn’t know.

Euphoria means to be in a state of intense happiness. You put me in that state.

It’s always hard to convey my feelings, without the help of pen and paper or in this case, a keyboard, but what I’m trying to say is that you make me happy. You really do. I may seem unemotional, but I really do feel it all there, in my heart. Every smile, every touch, every moment with you makes my heart go wild. And the best thing? It’s only you. Only you make me feel that way.

I know you feel uneasy about me not telling you how I feel and what I’m thinking but most of the time I’m just thinking about how damn happy you make me feel.

You’ll probably never see this because I’ll never show you, but if you ever stumble upon this or I show you for some reason, I hope you read this over and over again to remind yourself how much you mean to me.

– H.E

Happy 2017! 

Happy New Year! And congratulations to everyone who made it through to 2016.

To be honest, 2016 wasn’t a bad year for me. Sure, I’m still a little lost and bad things have happened but I also met new and good people that I consider quite special to me.

2016 has been one hell of a ride, and we all can agree on that. We lost some great treasures along the way (Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Alan Rickman and Prince) and with Brexit and Trump we don’t know how to feel about the world we’re living in right now.

Through all the pain and heartbreak, there has been ups too and these are all personal to us. Personally, I started university and I love it even though the stuff we’re doing is hard it’s enjoyable. I also made great friends, and left behind some people who were toxic and I don’t know if it was the right thing to do but none the less  it happened. I’m slightly happier than before. I laugh more and smile more thanks to a few people in my life and I’m sure you’ve all had those moments where someone or something made you smile.

2016 may have been a bad year for you overall, but try to remember that one time you were happy during this year and you won’t find it all that bad. Bad always outweighs the good, but it doesn’t have to. Love yourself and carry on laughing.

Stay strong for 2017 and have fun!

– H.E