“There’s no such thing as a stupid person in this world, only lazy people.”

– My Father

When I think how close exam season is, my heart pounds. I’ve never been a stupid child but nor have I ever been a genius and I think that’s a blessing because it’s taught me that I have to work hard to achieve what I want. Sometimes, I do feel like the most stupid child in the world because I give up because I think about how I can’t do it and how I’m going to fail. Then I think how lucky I am to be able to have the access to education and an especially good one where there are wide range of resources that I can easily access and I feel motivated again because at the end I believe if I tried my very best and come out with a average grades, I still gave it all I had and that would make me content because I know I went into the exam knowing I completed the exam paper to the best of my ability and there was nothing else that I could do.

But, you see, that’s the problem I will never be able to go into an exam knowing that I completed it to the best of my ability because I know I could always do more. The times that I checked my phone for a few minutes, the mornings where I laid in for five more minutes could’ve been spent to do that tiny bit more revision and obviously the time that I use to type my thoughts up. I’ve even decided to restrain myself from reading because I know once I start reading my mind would be entrapped in that book that I wouldn’t be able to revise.

But all this is futile if I don’t get the grades that I want, that I so desperately need even if I was to spend that five more minutes revising or go into the exam fully prepared and do everything to the best of my ability if I were to come out of the hall on results day with my results in hand without grades that seem passable to my parents everything I’d done beforehand would be an utter and complete waste. I would never be able to bear the look on my parents face when they expected so much of me; the times where they’ve made me laugh and smile and feel the warmth that only they could give me, give me the love that I don’t even deserve and the least that they wanted in return was the grades that I produce to be good ones. It would put me in utter despair seeing that look on my parents and knowing that I was responsible for it. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, and that’s why I tell myself that I have to do it, get the grades I want because I can and I’m not stupid, I can get the grades I want and I will get the grades I want. That is currently my biggest motivation.

~ H.E