smile

it’s been a while, i haven’t forgotten about this space I once created when I wasn’t in the best place. Fortunately, in a time of need, I found salvation in staring at a computer and typing away to forget about my feelings and the chaos in my life.

I haven’t had a hard life, I feel like I shouldn’t be comparing, because struggles are personal and it’s not right to compare people’s hardship. Hardship is hardship, and if anyone is going through them, don’t compare, whatever it is, I hope you get through it. I feel as though I need to make it clear that I am very grateful with the life that I live, I am trying to create a little bubble of happiness within the abyss of my own hardships. I have a shelter, I am financially comfortable and I am happy that I have an opportunity to study a postgraduate course.

I know I will start crying at some point whilst writing this, because- i have no other reason other than I am an emotional wreck. Although I have so much going in my mind, and still so many things to work through, I am still so grateful. I need to keep reminding myself that there are still things that make me happy even though I keep slipping back into the self-hate so easily. I feel like I am playing a game with myself, how long will it take for me to swallow myself up with self-doubt and hatred that I get into an emotional breakdown (a few days by the way, at most five).

I usually write when I am upset, or when I am feeling low. Recently I have started this thing, where I write in my journal every few days, or every day, whenever I feel like it really. I think it looks very fulfilling, but I am finally learning to keep myself accountable of the things I think and feel. It reminded me of this blog that I write so very little to. I used to love writing, and then at one point, I think I let so many people in that I started not needing it, but I forgot that this was the very place that listened to me when no one else wanted to, or when I didn’t feel safe letting people know.

I am so lucky to have some people in my life, and I am so lucky that I have people who want to listen to me and take time to want to be there for me. I am beyond lucky that I have a friend who lets me fulfil my wish of writing letters and shares the love of all things art with me, and I am beyond lucky that I have a boyfriend who encouraged me into falling back in love with the art that I shut out years ago because I was given an image of someone that I was supposed to be. Last but not least, I don’t give myself credit enough for giving myself a chance to fall in love with so many things that I used to push away because it didn’t fit this mould I was trying to fit.

Here are a few things that make me smile:

• my plants
• when i see someone laugh
• anyone acting silly
• my boyfriend
• my friends
• journalling

these are just only a few, but i guess i wanted to remind myself that i still have things to be grateful for, and I really, truly am grateful for these things.

I have not forgotten about this, this let me breathe when i didn’t have room to breathe.

Thank You to the past me who at least had the courage to do this for myself.

– H.E