2020

Whew 2020. My 2019 post seems almost laughable now. Aside from the elephant in the world (because it’s much bigger than a room), this year really tested my mental resilience. I’m definitely exhausted. I spent the last few days just sleeping and doing as I wished to do, which meant more sleep and playing games with family.

I read my Happy 2017 post just now and I was so much happier back then. I didn’t seem tired nor sad, I just seemed to exist and I was okay with it. I wonder a lot whether or not becoming older means that you start to realise more and more of the problems in your life and about yourself. I discovered a lot of my insecurities this year, maybe being out and about makes me forget to think about the pointless insecurities I have. As a lot of insecurities, although valid are born from societal norms and the patriarchy. I have found myself discovering a lot of those about myself. I remember “fake it till you make it” was one of my mottos back in 2017, which meant I was somewhat aware of my insecurities but I never really acknowledged them because I would just pretend they weren’t there. I’m starting to think that maybe I was better off with that mentality. However, there were things that I was in 2017 that I’m glad that I got rid of. I believe that I’ve learnt to develop my compassionate and empathetic side more than anything. I’m glad about that. I know people improve as they go along on their life but I’ve some how regressed. This is probably not true because I know I have learnt and done things that 2017 me wouldn’t have tried to do. I’ve made new friends and become closer to some of them over 2020, and they made my year a little more bearable.

Anyways, phew, I finally got that off my chest. Although 2020 was full of mental breakdowns, and universities becoming more demanding than ever even though we are in the middle of a pandemic. I did a lot of baking, painting and, catching up on anime (that Haikyuu season though). I rearranged my room again, please I can’t keep up with the different layouts of my room. Actually looking back at my 2019 post, I pretty much achieved all the things that I wanted to do, this gives me solace. I did create more art, I did become closer to family and friends, and I still journal and write about my feelings. Negative thoughts always cloud the mind and you never see clearly what things are actually like. It’s been hard, but my simple goals have been achieved. I forget to look back and see how far I’ve come, and I will probably forget next year and the year after but the good thing about writing a blog post each year is that I get to look back and remind myself. I also keep a journal which I’m going to try and do more this year. I’ve always been someone that likes to keep my feelings to myself, I guess it’s not as scary that way, but having a journal really makes me feel like I have a non-judgemental best friend to tell things to.

I don’t really have any resolutions at the moment, although I do have one goal at the moment, and that is to finish my degree and to do it with the best that I’ve got. I already know there are going to be many breakdowns and crying so I’m prepared. Just got to do it now.

2021, please treat me well.

Thank You,

Hui Eng