Whew, 2019 is over. Time flies so fast, I’m certain I literally just graduated and now I am half way through my Masters. In reality, 2019 was a very stagnant year for me, it wasn’t an exciting year for me, nor was it filled with achievement and happiness. The feelings of loss hit me the most this year, the negative feelings ate me up this year.
Reflecting on 2019, it was probably the year where some of the darkest thoughts surfaced in my mind, but it was probably the year that I developed mentally the most, there were days where I would start crying out of loneliness as I walked home and there would be days where I was completely fine and life was just life, and life was what it was.
One of the things I started doing in 2019 was actually confronting my feelings and my own emotional traumas. Sometimes, I can be very dismissive of the fact that I even have emotional traumas because I hear other people’s stories and I think wow they’re so strong for going through what they did. What I went through doesn’t even come close, I can even argue that what I went through wasn’t emotionally traumatic, but to me these memories and instances that have been etched into my brain make me who I am and have an effect on me. I promised myself that I would confront my feelings, the ugly, bad, and the toxic. I would stay honest with myself and come to terms with my behaviours.
This is one of my biggest stepping stones this year, learning to confront myself and learning to keep myself accountable and biggest of all, learning that I still have more to learn about myself.
Although reflecting back on this year in such a dark light, there are definitely things in 2019 that have brightened my soul, I am still forever grateful and still have some things to share which are pretty bright. I started properly painting and drawing again, and this by far is one of the brightest things that have happened to me ever. I forgot how much art calms my soul, and how it can catch my feelings and transform it into something that gives me hope. I can drown myself in the smell of paint and just lose focus on everything around me. I could do this forever. A few other things include looking after plants and watching them thrive, experimenting with my style, and connecting with people that I would have never thought to connect with before.
I have a few new year’s resolutions, things that I would like to fulfil in 2020. I hope 2020 is the year where I finally teach myself how to unlearn feelings and behaviours which are toxic. I hope to continue journaling, writing, and creating a space for myself to breathe from the stresses that I have. I hope to create more art, and to share the art into the world. I hope to create more loving bonds with my friends and family.
I hope that 2020 is the year that everyone creates a little happiness for themselves even if you are going through the hardest times, or having the hardest days. I hope that you will find something that you can go back to to forget about the hardest minutes of your day.
– H.E.
A pointless insight 